I Immediately Quit Bodybuilding After This Video

Vulnerability levels was at an all-time high when posting this on Instagram.

So much so that I felt the need to post me in the complete opposite, more recent form (below) and man am I relieved to have been able to reverse this bodybuilder look.

I’m proud of fragments of my bodybuilding days, but am relieved that I woke up and shifted gears. As soon as I saw a video published by Buzzfeed about my last bodybuilding prep and competition, I immediately quit bodybuilding.

It’s amazing what the human body & mind can do and the extremes it’ll go. 

And while I believe all shapes & forms are beautiful, it’s the delusion & blindness that makes me cringe at an old version of myself.

I was on autopilot. I had a goal and nothing was going to stop me. I loved training so much that I never stopped to evaluate the outcome.

Was I healthy? Not really.

Was my body image positive? Not always.

Did I realize the extremes I was taking? Nope.

I sometimes wonder why I quit training as hard as I used to, but when I finally saw the video of myself, I was traumatized. 

That may sound dramatic, but I had a major slap in the face wakeup. “THAT’S WHAT I LOOK LIKE?”

That person isn’t me.

Where are my curves, my softness, the fat in my face?!

Why am I blonde? (lol)

What I’m listing is physical but that’s half of what this post is about. While this look may be desirable for some people, it isn’t for me. And the fact that it wasn’t my desired outcome is the scary other half of this post.

My brain was on repeat: training, getting leaner, sweating my butt off, feeling the endorphin rush after every workout and counting down the secs until I got to train again.

I was so caught up in something that I barely paused to ask myself if this is what I want. 

Do I want to eat like a bodybuilder? No.

Do I want to be THIS jacked? No.

The lessons I’ve learned in life, whether it be from being jacked & shredded, or anything else along the way is that it’s so important to take a step back. Pause, witness, evaluate & ask yourself what you want. How do you want to be portrayed? What decisions will make you feel at peace?

Life is a sequence of experiences. So despite some lessons that may be borderline regrets, your experiences are what make & shape you into who you are.

Step back and be proud of all you’ve experienced so far, without labeling anything good or bad.

Learn, grow & keep experiencing.

Steph